"Dear Beautiful, tranquil, sunny and blue sky San Diego,

Why are you so perfect? Why are your streets so clean and even? Why are the men and women inside of you so fit and gorgeous? There are oh so many things about you I admire and would love to emulate if only the close to two million inhabitants on my side would first learn to be courteous drivers and how to pick up after themselves, then maybe I could start. It seems like the politicians on my side don't want to build any parks inside of me the way your politicians build beautiful parks inside of you. Maybe that's why everyone around here is getting so fat.

I don't want to sound like I have a crazy crush or I'm in some form obsessed with you, but I just had to ask, why are your beaches so clean and full of international tourists while mine are filthy and rarely visited by my own people? I guess it has something to do with the water. I can see your downtown from my beaches, right by that huge scary fence you've built between us. Wow! Those buildings are so tall and shiny! Really wish I had some of those over on this side. I have these really old twin towers that are nowhere near as tall as yours but they still work great to place political propaganda on.

Ok America's finest city, I also wanted to ask you, why do your inhabitants call the police on each other when one is having a party? We just invite the whole neighborhood over to the event. Do your people hate noise? My people love noise and they make it all day long! They sell gas, food, water, second hand goods and political agendas by placing speakers with recordings on top of old cars and drive around town all day making loads of noise. I guess you would call that "noise pollution" but down here we call it "marketing".

San Diego, did you cast a spell on people so they can follow rules? Many years ago, when many of your young people came over to me, they couldn't wait to break all the rules. They pissed and puked all over me for years. It's funny because when

my people cross that horrific two hour border wait to get to you (Thank you Dept. Of Homeland security) they immediately start following all the rules they break inside of me. Tijuanenses love to follow rules inside of you and break them inside of me. It must be the air or something.

I have a couple bones to pick with you though, first, a "flour" tortilla with some yellow cheese and sour cream is not really "authentic" Mexican food. That's not anything like Mexican food.

It isn't that easy my first world amigo, you can't just get a burrito on steroids and call it a classic Mexican dish. Also, what on earth is a Chimichanga? Someone please explain this one to me.

It seems that as of late we are so close yet so far. Let's face it, we do not have the relationship we once had and are far from the one we could have. I know I know, I've got a bad reputation. It seems like everyone over on your side thinks everyone down here is getting raped, robbed and decapitated in the middle of the street at broad daylight but that media hype is just not true. Please tell all the people living north of the 8 freeway that we are a much more vibrant city now. They must have read something about it , right?. Violence is lower than it's been in years and our food, art, music and culture has been featured on some big time international media outlets and TV shows. I think I'm getting way more attention than you, but don't be jealous, you will always have the Navy, I mean Coronado. That horrific cliché of a Wild West border town full of whores and drugs is not what I am any more. They are way more whores and drugs in Las Vegas. Trust me on this one.

I am not the same little girl you once knew. I am changing and you should let some of your inhabitants know what a big and beautiful girl I have become. Please tell the people that puked and pissed all over me to NEVER come back! I would prefer you send some folks that appreciate foreign lands and their people. Send over people that want to embrace culture and see life through the eyes of the locals. We are more than just food by the way, but the food is so good! It's really good! I will be here waiting, forever. I mean let's face it, I 'm not going anywhere. I will be here for eternity whether you like or not.

P.S Whoever told you about the "Donkey Show" was full of bull$^*%. Please, don't ever mention it again.

Sincerely, your friendly neighbor to the South,

Tijuana, Mexico

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Follow Tony Tee on Twitter @tonyteefiesta